Lately I’ve been exploring trying. Trying to be a good girlfriend/person. Trying to be conscious. Trying to be open. Trying not to upset people. Trying to do it right. Dear God: trying, trying, trying – it’s exhausting. With it comes a sense of seeking and striving, holding on, constriction, narrowed vision, and ideas of good/bad/right/wrong that occupy my attention and limit/influence my experience in the world.I can viscerally feel it, in my body, which I’m so grateful for, because for years it was out of my attention. Now I can literally feel this trying mechanism, and once spotted and acknowledged, the mechanism naturally starts to lose power. It is such a relief to name something that’s been hanging out in the dark for years, running the show. A relief to bring it into the light, where it has less power, where it can be consciously explored and inquired into. Phew!

Trying was on my mind this morning and I wanted to play with it during our OM. As the OM began, I explored any sense of trying that might be happening: I couldn’t find any, but then in that moment, with the very first stroke, a huge burst of heat shot up from my pussy up into my body. In the very next stroke a wave of electricity went in and downward. I chuckled – this not trying stuff was pretty hot! My body was fully turned on, and Orgasm was flowing.

And then things got kinda weird.

Not weird in a bad way, but in a nebulous way. I wasn’t sure where my partner’s finger was and I wasn’t sure where to guide him. There wasn’t much light in the room either, and although I’d suggested we find a light source, my partner didn’t want to turn any lights on. I wondered if that was part of the problem, and at one point I almost asked him if we could turn a light on, but I didn’t.

There were periods of brief Orgasmic flow, but in general there was a sense of disconnect. Meanwhile, I was still playing with this idea of trying. What is the line at which trying becomes trying? Is making requests trying? Is offering feedback trying? Is speaking what was on my mind trying? Is insisting on finding a light trying, when my partner seems opposed? During this OM I censored myself a few times because I didn’t want my partner to think I was being critical. I wasn’t sure what requests to make, and instead of saying something, anything, I said nothing. I could feel how, in my exploration of not trying, I shut myself down and stopped showing up – for my OM, for my partner, for my pussy, for my life, for me.

There seems to be a fine line between trying and showing up for one’s life. Perhaps that’s a lifelong study in and of itself!

I can see that in my own life I fluctuate between trying hard to make things be a certain way, and not showing up at all.

In the first, there is an active trying mechanism running the show, and in the second I bail on the relationship and on my intimate journey with myself. I cease to show up for myself in both. Neither allows for much deepening in my journey as a human being, and neither allow for much deepening in my relationship.

We both wanted a “re-do” after that first OM, so after a short talk we decided to OM again. The topic of the light returned as we were settling back into the nest. He continued to think think the dim lighting wasn’t a factor. I continued to intuit that it was actually important, and influencing the quality of the experience, but I remained passive, as I continued to dance with not “stepping on his toes.” I acquiesced to him, and gave up on my intuition. Luckily my intuition kept tugging on me so right before he started the timer I finally showed up – and I literally started to sit up – “I’m going to turn on the light.” He had me lie back down, and he got up and turned a light. Once the OM began, we both felt more present. I was present with myself, and he engaged my pussy in a way that felt more present from within himself.

Just as before, Orgasmic waves came from the first strokes. But this time the waves continued throughout the OM. We were both more grounded in our bodies and there was a flow between us. I dropped trying to follow where his finger was or where my clit was, and made requests to where I wanted his finger to go without knowing why. I followed the sensation, regardless of where it was in my body. Early on, maybe even in those first few strokes, there was such an amazing fire in my pussy – exquisite was the word that came to mind. This fire flew right up to my heart and I felt an opening.

There was a period where I requested him to move a certain way. I really wasn’t sure where his finger was in relation to my clit. It seemed, to my rational mind, that where I was requesting him to go was probably above where my clit actually was. I dropped trying to do it right, and just made the request. Who cares if he wasn’t on my clit? He was attending to some part of my pussy that really wanted attention, and it felt good to honor that. It felt like another way I was showing up for me.

I’m excited to continue this study of trying and showing up. As I continue to contemplate this, trying seems to engage the cognitive/mental process, and more of the reptilian and left brain. Certainty. Limitation. Fixedness. In contrast, showing up seems to engage the body and spirit – something “within” me, so to speak. Possibility. Curiosity. Wonder. The right brain centers of creation.

Simply put, to show up for oneself, there must be an allowing and a letting go. Once grasping and/or giving up start to fall away, presence naturally enters, and I can settle into the grounded space of Being. It is from this place that my turned on Being ignites, and from where Orgasm flows. It is here that I fully show up. OMMMMMM.

(Photo Credit: Unknown)


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