BY MA PREM KALPA
I write this after having a coaching session this morning. Now that the dust has settled, I want to share what I got.
I was speaking to my coach about my fear of using pressure or firmness when someone I love has fallen into a sleep state on their journey of awakening. You see, I like to be the upbeat, friendly, encouraging, good-time girl; I’m there to cheer you on. I feel resentful when I have to move from that position, risking displeasure from my loved one, in order to be in service to their staying awake and fully conscious.
My coach asked me why I’m doing this; why am I standing at the frontline for Orgasm in Australia? My response was that I want to take a stand for people’sWakeUp through Orgasm. Of all of the paths I have studied, Orgasm has been the most potent.
He reminded me that part of the job description then is to love people where they are and simultaneously see people in their perfection and hold them to that standard. He said it’s the firmness that a parent uses to call the wandering child, calling out their first, middle and last name to get their attention. The voice that communicates, “I love you, I see you. Wake up!”.
One of the things that I’ve realised in recent weeks, reflecting on myself and the quality of connection in my relationships, is that I have tried to convince people that I personally can handle less pressure than I really can, that I’m less capable than I really am. I’ve done so in order that people won’t hold me accountable to my brilliance because it would be uncomfortable to live the full embodiment of my true potential. I have done countless courses, read many books and yet at my core I still keep hooking people into the story, “I’m broken, I’m fragile or I’m confused, so please tread lightly”. The deeper truth is this: I wish people would tell me the truth and use pressure, if necessary to have me hear them. I wish they would tell me when they see me playing small. I wish they would love me so deeply that they would stand for nothing less than the full expression of my desire, living from there at all times.
So here I am on the other side of that realisation, with clients and friends asking me to champion for their WakeUp and hold them accountable – and here I am, terrified to do so. I am fearful that if I speak the truth, they will feel pain and will no longer love me. That’s a different game. The game where I perceive people as broken, unable to handle the pressure of hearing something that might cause them discomfort. That’s the game where we play like we are both broken. The binding agreement is that we spend our time making up for our brokenness by being “nice” to each other. It’s the game where I tell you the good things and you love me in return. We play both positions in either direction. The game is our modus operandi. However. the result of that game is that we both stay small because we don’t have to take responsibility for how we show up in the world and who we want to show up as. We both get to look good; cool, collected and always in control.
The problem is though, by withholding your truth from me, you withhold your power and I don’t get the opportunity to step into mine. There is the place where you and I collude, to hide from being fully in our power. We both stay under-extended and comfortable. We continue on as the generations that came before us, women; broken, subservient, desire-lesswell-meaning martyrs and the men, loyal, well mannered, providing for, rescuers.
Given where I am now after having done some intensive inward reflecting recently, I can say with certainty that the way I have been playing the game of awakening, has not been even close to full-out.
So what does playing full-out look like?
It looks like, when we agree to being in any form of relationship, we agree to keep each other awake. We go in fully armed with the knowledge that we are both, at different times, going to fall asleep, play small or try to avoid showing up as our best selves. We also go in knowing that we can rest safely in the knowledge that someone who loves us, who sees us in our perfection, will not let that happen for long. They will hold us accountable, speak the truth of what they see or feel, so that we can wake up again. My experience is that it is too hard to keep ourselves accountable, there are too many conflicting voices.
We do it through our relationships:
As a woman owning my desire, letting that out fully in life or in an OM is just about one of the biggest challenges I face, as I know it is for many other women. Many of us have sold each other our broken stories of ‘victim’, ‘incapable’ or ‘unsure’, so that we don’t come across as too turned on or capable of really owning the scope of our deeper desires. Not all women are like this of course. I have met women who know their power and live full out in their desire. They are not willing to bargain with theirs or mine. When they see me playing small, they detect it from a mile off. Those women don’t move closer to me, they do not wish to collude. They see me in my perfection. As if waiting for my inititiation into womanhood where there is no more smokescreening my power or desire, I feel their attention on me, from a distance.
And With Men…
When awake men hold me accountable to living the full expression of my desire, not only is that the sexiest thing I have ever experienced but I have nowhere to hide. I can only be in my perfection
– unapologetic, courageous, electric and turned-on. Then he turns on. Then he has a purpose that is worth giving up the control he knows so well and has something big enough to surrender to – the desire of the feminine, his and mine.
Men who are yet to realise that their power lies in the conviction of my and their perfection, are the ones I can collude and play small with most easily. They happily come in to rescue me. They are gentle, tread lightly and we collude together that I am broken and not really that powerful or turned-on. Thy too have been conditioned to dim their beast because they have been told for centuries that their power is dangerous. These guys are polite and appropriate and they dont give me the truth as they see it because they haven’t cultivated their intuition yet to know when I am trying to steer them away from the true thing I am feeling. They welcome the meek, frightened, broken-winged bird story that I will offer at any chance I can in order to avoid the discomfort of fully showing up and dropping my games.
How do we start to shift this? How do we hold each other accountable to really wake up and be the full expression of the power that lives inside of us?
1. Tell the truth.
2. Have approval for the imperfect, the messy, and the broken.
3. Give up the story that your turn-on, your power and your desire are dangerous or that you are broken or need to be fixed.
4. Spend time with your friends telling the truth. Agree to keep the smalltalk or gossip to a minimum. Develop your muscle of speaking the truth.
5. As a woman, tell the men in your life, tell your strokers, what you deeply desire. It will be something that frightens the hell out of you. If it doesn’t, then it’s not desire. If it “feels right” it’s your preferences speaking – the ones that see you as less than perfect. Then ask them in an OM and in life to hold you accountable to showing up as nothing short of the expression of THAT woman.
6. If you are a man, don’t let her show up as anything less than her turned-on, capable self. When she tries to hook you into rescuing her or telling her what to do because she doesn’t know, mirror back to her that she does. Stroke her with your voice in life or with your fingertip in an OM and use the pressure that is required for her to hear. Use the pressure that meets the flavour of the orgasm in front of you. If it is feisty, hot and electric, meet it with firmness and turn-on. If it is soft and subtle, meet her with the same. Do not fear the pressure of your stroke, in life or in an OM – stroke for resonance. Hold her accountable.
Together man and woman, woman and woman, man and man: we wake up together. We hold each other to our perfection. This is our power. It’s time to destroy the illusion that anyone is broken or that anyone needs fixing. It’s time to play a bigger game. We cannot do it alone. Our friends, our partners, our strokers, our strokees – we are in it together. Thank God!