You think something is wrong. You think things were going along fine and then something got real messed up somewhere. It feels like maybe it was you. Where did you go wrong? How could this have happened? Why does it feel like everything is falling apart…you don’t think your life is in a climax but maybe it is? Uncertainty fills you and dogs your heels. Panic rises and falls in your chest all day. Fear of people feeling how terrified and uncertain you are keeps you hiding in all the subtle ways, and feeling alone as things fall apart.
I write this after having a coaching session this morning. Now that the dust has settled, I want to share what I got.
I was speaking to my coach about my fear of using pressure or firmness when someone I love has fallen into a sleep state on their journey of awakening. You see, I like to be the upbeat, friendly, encouraging, good-time girl; I’m there to cheer you on. I feel resentful when I have to move from that position, risking displeasure from my loved one, in order to be in service to their staying awake and fully conscious.
Men, it’s true. Women want us to become better men and they want to help us. It has taken me a year in this practice to realize and accept this. I used to take adjustments and be thinking, “Oh I fucked up and did something wrong, the woman didn’t like what I was doing and now she is never going to OM with me again.” All these thoughts and feelings of shame, depression, and inadequacy would be coursing through my body. Then I would do one of two things: 1) Get mad at the woman for putting these thoughts in my head or causing me to have these feelings. Who does she think she is? What a bitch. Or 2) Withdraw, disconnect, and run away from the woman and secretly resent her and feel like she owed me an apology for hurting my feelings and my ego.
Lately I’ve been exploring trying. Trying to be a good girlfriend/person. Trying to be conscious. Trying to be open. Trying not to upset people. Trying to do it right. Dear God: trying, trying, trying – it’s exhausting. With it comes a sense of seeking and striving, holding on, constriction, narrowed vision, and ideas of good/bad/right/wrong that occupy my attention and limit/influence my experience in the world.
I can viscerally feel it, in my body, which I’m so grateful for, because for years it was out of my attention. Now I can literally feel this trying mechanism, and once spotted and acknowledged, the mechanism naturally starts to lose power. It is such a relief to name something that’s been hanging out in the dark for years,